I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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