drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
