you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
