I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
