Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
