Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
