every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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