Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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