why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
