Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
