wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
