Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm at about main and main street
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
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