I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
The Olympian is in my bed
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
