She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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