God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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