You're so nebulous sometimes
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
