i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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