i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
