you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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