Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
