Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
