i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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