You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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