I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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