I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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