I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
