Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
