I think I died a long time ago.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
