Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
