I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
