Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
