I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
