xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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