Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I touched a dick in church today
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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