My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
