I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
