She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize