we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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