So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
