The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
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