No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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