His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
