I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
