How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
