please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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