We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
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