I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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