If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
