I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
