no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
