omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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