So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize