i love accidental penises.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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