This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
foreskin is a definite game changer
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
