Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
