Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
My liver just broke up with me...
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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