I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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