Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
